Dear friend, family, and acquaintances,
I feel like I haven't been myself lately. In fact I know I haven't been myself lately. If I am not returning emails, calls and texts promptly, I am truly sorry. I have been struggling the last couple of week not with just the health of my kids but also with the fact that it pains me to be seeing my dad in his state right now.
Some may say I am a pessimist but I am not. I am full of hope but grounded by a realist soul. I am not saying my dad is dying today, tomorrow or even a month from now. But he has gotten worse in the last month or so. I can see it. My mom can see it. My family can see it. And because I am not a tear shedder, I tend to deal with stress in different ways. I get a bit more withdrawn and quiet. And I just really don't want to talk about it. I am more prone to anger and just plain grumpiness. I run in solitude some times to talk to God and other times just to decompress. That is the reality.
I don't like to hear that my mom is crying. I don't like to hear that my dad can barely walk because he is so weak but that is the reality. So if you ask me, I do try to concentrate on what is positive but in the back of my mind, I see what is going on with my parents and it burdens me.
I personally don't fear dying. But at the same time, I know my mom and dad are scared. They have been together for 45 years and this has been a tough journey for the especially the last couple of months. And there are times I am well just torn - between my responsibilities to my work, to my kids, to my husband and finally to my parents. And so I take it all in as that is how I deal. But I also feel guilty as I know that my family - David, Noah and Olivia - have to watch my dad as he struggles with this.
It is hard to watch my dad revert back to a child in ways. He is reluctant to take his medicines and I have to beg, cajole, plead with him to even drink gatorade but it has to be done. And at nights when I say my prayers, I am thankful that my dad still feel no pain. But I also pray that whatever the journey ahead, we will handle with grace and love and less grumpiness on my part.
Love, me
I feel your pain...
I also was helpless when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, well not exactly I was the daughter who was here and I did all I could to help while my mom took care of my dads needs. As much as we wanted a cure it was not to be and had to face letting him go. It will be 10 years this Valentines day that he has been gone. We have survived....doesn't mean we don't miss him every day. My heart breaks for you and your family...I think of you often and feel your pain.
Posted by: laura plunk davis | January 24, 2012 at 11:01 AM
Thanks for your transparency. I'll be praying for you.
Posted by: Miriam Prantner | January 24, 2012 at 11:07 AM
Thinking of you and yours.
Posted by: Ania | January 24, 2012 at 01:44 PM
My thoughts are with you and your family. I know it's not easy, been there myself. Just remember you have all of us in blogger land if you need "someone" to listen :)
Posted by: Cim Allen | January 24, 2012 at 02:48 PM
I'm so sorry for the pain you're all going through. Prayers coming your way...
- April W
Posted by: April W | January 24, 2012 at 03:20 PM
big hugs C- You are a lot stronger then me for sure! XOXOXO
Posted by: Jen Chesnick | January 24, 2012 at 05:02 PM
Just know that we are thinking about you, your parents and your young family. My prayers go out to you all.
Posted by: Patty Del Rosa | January 25, 2012 at 12:37 AM
HUGS and P&PT heading out.
Posted by: slammie | January 25, 2012 at 09:53 AM
Caroline, I really hope your post was more as a journal entry for your own emotions than an apology to all of "us" out here in blog-land. Thank you, but you don't owe us anything. You need to deal with the struggles in your life the way you need to deal with them. Blessings, strength and grace to you and your family as you go through these issues.
Posted by: Laurie | January 25, 2012 at 10:41 AM
May the God of all comfort wrap you and your loved ones in His arms and fill you with peace and even joy of His presence in these difficult times. I've been there twice. Both parents struggled with cancer.
Posted by: Beatriz Farquhar | January 25, 2012 at 08:10 PM
I am so sorry to hear of all that you're going through and how tough it all must be. I can relate in some ways in that although my dad is not going through anything like the health issues that your dad is, he does have medical conditions and he is not a very compliant patient much of the time and my mom and and I have to go through all the different kinds of persuading that you mentioned you do with your dad, and even then we are not always successful. In that way, I think I can understand some of your frustrations.
I do hope that those who may be awaiting a communications response from you are understanding of your situation; this blog entry should hopefully go a long ways towards helping that.
Thank you so much for your honesty in your blog entries. I've been following your blog for a little while now, and the kind of candour you've shown can be rare to find, perhaps especially so among those in an executeive position, and I respect and admire you so much more because of it. I think what you are doing for your parents and family is incredible, especially in this age when everyone seems to be so busy with thier own immediate family and work life. That you take the time to write such honest and personal blog entries (which still have a caring and warmth to them) to be viewed by people who you don't even know and who (as another poster commented above) you certainly don't owe anything to is even more incredible. I hope that I'll be able to become the kind of daughter and person that you are.
Please know that thoughts and prayers are with you, and may I extend every good wish and vibe and the warmest of hugs! Keep strong, and good luck!
Posted by: Vicki H. in Canada | January 25, 2012 at 10:16 PM
sending prayers up for your dad and your entire family.
Posted by: nitasha | January 25, 2012 at 11:21 PM
Hugs. Just hugs.
Posted by: Jayme | January 25, 2012 at 11:33 PM
No apology necessary! Sending prayers out for you and your family! :) (((hugs))))
Posted by: Jennifer | January 26, 2012 at 08:31 AM
You are just fine!! Take the time that you need. We all go through hings in life that are hard and we may struggle at times, but you will find your self again and we will all be here when you do!!
My thoughts and prayers have been with you and your family!!
Posted by: Larissa Heskett | January 26, 2012 at 04:04 PM
So sorry you are going through a difficult time... I will be praying for you and your whole family.
Posted by: Mary Anne V. | January 27, 2012 at 08:45 AM
I am praying for peace for all of you . There is no easy way to do what you have to do . Love as much as you can and treasure the time, despite the sadness.Blessings.
Posted by: jean keller | January 31, 2012 at 10:36 PM